We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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