Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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