Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
