My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
