We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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