Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
