I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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