You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
