You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think I sprained my soul last night
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
