he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
