singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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