Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
That reminds me...we need to get swords
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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