I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
