just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
