Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
