Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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