you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
