i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
