Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
