I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
