They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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