I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
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She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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