happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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