Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
