i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
