I'm eating all of the evidence.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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