i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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