Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We talked him into tasing himself.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
