I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
