I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
