I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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