So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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