hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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