I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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