Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
