I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
