He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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