Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
