Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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