First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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