I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
