you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
