Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
