when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
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