Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
