I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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