I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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