Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
