I could make wine with my vomit
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
