my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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