That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
