my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
