Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
