who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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