Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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