WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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