Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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