Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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